Hi Andy,
Regarding your concerns on the pro-and-con controversies around ‘fair’ educational funding for NH schools, I would, from a business perspective, first invite your coalition to develop and hone a bold, inspiring and real value proposition that speaks to and shares a core value with your opposition…… Make what you are proposing come from some value that your side and their side both share………say, for example, a good education is a “right” we want all New Hampshire children to have and to share. A proposition or proposal that enrolls people, the opposition….. that inspires and engages them and includes, acknowledges and speaks to them as the opposition, to a value or concern that you both share. A shared value does not argue with them ( to “win” an argument with them) or merely attempt to convince them……….Rather, coming from shared values allows for and invites looking into what’s possible to emerge in the midst of a disagreement,. Identifying, communicating and coming from shared values works to uncover the concerns and values that both parties might share at bottom, the concerns and values that can underlie and connect both their and your on-the-surface political oppositions.
For example, a shared value might very well be that all parties do want to see their kids educated well and effectively. The controversy about funding reflects h o w to do it; that said, the w h a t is already aligned on, that all kids are educated well. When you let people speak, share, and listen to their shared underlying core values, not just the positions and op-positions, it builds a bond that supports something working. When we work only at the down stream, tactical level, i.e., constructing positions and op-positions inside the default framework where the only choice seems to be ,win/lose, decreases the common ground, shared underlying commitments and workability.
We have found in our consulting practice at VSA that powerful people engage in, allow themselves to wonder about, or be intrigued by, powerful, new and unsaid/unseen possibilities, questions, and observations and to allow this critical reflection over time. Being creatively reflective means giving up your right to dismiss different views as “out-of-hand.” (or said in the language of our current politics, “dead on arrival” or a “non starter”). To give up knee jerk reactions. To give up making people wrong……what if people are not “wrong,’ as in “bad and wrong,” but are simply distinct, different. Do note that all expanded capacities, personal and organizational, begin with and are sustained through powerful, often unsettling, questions……….powerful, unsettling questions would be a good kick-off tool to inventing what is missing in the disagreement stage and allowing and enabling others to get it too……..a dialogue or inquiry, distinct from merely winning an argument, can at least see something newly, with new eyes, whether or not both parties ultimately agree or disagree on what there is to learn, discover or do,
Note: So clearly a core training and development of people that is incredibly useful is training people to examine and develop the ability to disagree effectively. This is a core life skill. One could say that learning to disagree effectively begins with listening keenly, then being able to re-create another’s speaking and points of view (that is, faithfully reproduce the content, tone and the intention of the speaker without agreeing or disagreeing, without judging it or resisting it or endorsing it… just “getting” it), then clarifying and confirming what is said a n d heard so both of you are on the same page. You may at that time offer observations on what you see matters most to them including concerns or values they may have that underlie or inform their opinions, positions, beliefs, stands, or said generally, the conclusions they already have in place.
Once you have ‘played back’ their communications to them, this can create an opening for a new possibility to arise in the conversation. Let t h e m get the experience that y o u really and fully d i d hear them and that you ‘got’ (received and directly experienced) what they said. Maybe you can say where you can see intersecting views, or interacting views, common ground or assumptions or shared experiences…………..Shared experiences build a bridge to understanding, almost always…….Letting the conversation unfold where you can or might discover something new or fresh, works………..and builds a bond. This begins the possibility of collaborating on finding value in your differences even if those differences do in fact remain in place.
It is worth noting that “alignment” and “agreement” are distinct. They are not the same. Alignment is strategic, longer term, larger propose, a shared direction towards a goal on the horizon. Agreement is more tactical; it is concerned with execution, methodology, agreeing as in coming to a shared solution to a problem or challenge within the alignment to a larger purpose or vision. For example, my wife and I are aligned on the purpose of “creating a great family” and over the last 41 years we’ve had disagreements over how to fulfill that, what specific actions to take, to fulfill our alignment. This has included how we relate to our daughter, how we handle our own intimacy, how we generate and manage money, or vacations, or family reunions, holidays, etc. When a tactical disagreement happens inside a larger alignment to a bigger purpose that both parties own and accept, then disagreements can become vital to energizing the relationships and finding the better way. Note that where there is no ultimate agreement to be reached, then recognizing that lack of agreement leads to further looking and discussing or agreeing to disagree and working from there as to independent actions, without the collaboration ……and very often, in the space of recognizing that there is no agreement for the time being, something unseen, unspoken, or simply “common sense”, can and does emerge..
At bottom, disagreeing is an opportunity to learn and discover, to be present newly, to listen and to actively uncover beyond what you already know, think, opine, or believe and to leave you and them respected and heard………
Bringing these distinctions, these observations, these c o n v e r s a t i o n s to the art and science of disagreeing effectively, opens up what can emerge that was not predicted.………….buy me a coffee, Andy……….decaf light !!
Tony
